Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
