I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
