how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
