My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
