Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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