my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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