I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
