the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize