i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she told me i tasted like america
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
