Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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