you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
