was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
His nipple licking is glorious
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