Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
