so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
