I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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