he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
