Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Buhtt sex?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
