if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
