so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
