I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
