If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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