dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
