There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
