Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
