God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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