I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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