I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
