it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
