college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
