Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
