I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
