a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize