Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
