Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
