just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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