the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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