All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
