You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
