just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
