I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
