the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
