So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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