Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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