i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
