Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
