dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i out mim tonsoeep
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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