he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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