someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize