Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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