I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
