Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
