I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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