i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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