I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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