he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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