Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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