So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
