apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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