I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
