My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
