sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
