I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
