Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize