: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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